50 Doctor Jokes That’ll Have You in Stitches
Warning: these hilarious anecdotes from real doctors could induce intense laughter.
Doctor Jokes (From Real Doctors!)
“Here,” says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen container. “The bathroom’s over there.” A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.
“Thanks,” he says, returning the empty container. “But there was a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.” —Travis Stork, MD, Nashville, Tennessee
As I leaned in to check her eyes, my older patient got a little frisky. “You remind me of my third husband,” she said coyly.
“Third husband?” I asked. “How many have you had?”
“Two.” —Leon Pendracky, OD, Avella, Pennsylvania
The bad news
My patient announced she had good news … and bad. “The medicine for my earache worked,” she said. “What’s the bad news?” I asked.
“It tasted awful.”
Since she was feeling better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her they’re called eardrops for a reason. —Murray Grossan, MD, founder of the Grossan Institute, Los Angeles
Location, location, location
Patient: Doctor, I slipped in the grocery store and really hurt myself.
Me: Where did you get hurt?
Patient: Aisle six. —John Munshower, DO, Media, Pennsylvania
I gave my patient the results of her sleep study: “It looks like you stopped breathing in your sleep over 65 times per hour.”
Her response: “Did I start back?” —Michael Breus, PhD, Scottsdale, Arizona
Meeting of the minds
During surgery, my fellow resident bumped heads with the surgeon.
“Ah, Dr. Jones, a meeting of the minds,” he said, laughing it off.
The surgeon mumbled, “Yes. And I felt so alone.” —Sid Schwab, MD, Everett, Washington
Check, check, check
Scene: The operating room. I’m reviewing the surgical checklist with the nurses.
Me: We have the surgical equipment, the heart-lung machine, antibiotics, and the replacement heart valve on hand.
Patient: You wait until now to figure this stuff out? —Marc Gillinov, MD, The Cleveland Clinic
Always read the label
I prescribed an inhaler for a patient’s cat allergy. He came back a week later saying he was none the better. Turns out, he was spraying the inhaler on the cat. —Source: sunnyskyz.com
Medical excuses for missing work that people actually thought might fly
“My child stuck a mint up my nose, and I had to go to the emergency room to have it removed.”
“I got sick from reading too much.”
Employee got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store and couldn’t get out.
“My dog wasn’t feeling well, so I tasted his food, and then I got sick.” —Sources: careerbuilder.com; blog.oregonlive.com
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Take two doctor jokes and call me in the morning!
A doctor tells his wife, “You’re a terrible cook, you spend too much money, and you’re a lousy lover!”
Two weeks later, he comes home to find her making out with his partner.
“What’s going on here?!” he demands.
“Just getting a second opinion,” she replies. —Deborah Axelrod, MD, New York University Perlmutter Cancer Center
“Did you hear what happened to Mel?” one friend said to another. “He was seeing his doctor for six months because of chest pains and shortness of breath. Last week, he dropped dead from cancer.”
“That’s terrible,” says the other friend. “Well, I told him a hundred times to go see my doctor.”
“Is he any good?”
“Good? He’s the best! If he treats you for heart problems … you’ll die of heart problems.” —Steven Lamm, MD, NYU Langone Medical Center
Mr. Harper sued a hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesperson replied, “Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.” —Amar Safdar, MD, NYU Langone Medical Center
Medical transcription errors
To paraphrase Mark Twain: Be careful of medical transcripts; you may die of a misprint.
Social history reveals this one-year-old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed.
On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day, it disappeared.
Discharge status: alive but without permission.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
She is numb from her toes down. —Sources: gmrtranscription.com;nursebuff.com
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Photo: Krakenimages.com / Shutterstock.com
Overheard at the nurses’ station
A gentleman calls our office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for, and we talk at length about the procedure.
Patient: I’m sorry to have so many questions.
Me: Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.
Patient: Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very helpful. —Source: notalwaysright.com
I love you
After discussing a patient, the doctor ended his conversation by telling me, “I love you.” Following an awkward pause, he said, “I’m sorry, you were telling me what to do, so it made me think I was speaking with my wife.” —Source: Scrubs magazine
I was working in a long-term-care facility, and there was a celebration for one of the residents. It was her 100th birthday. She was quite somnolent as the party began, so I asked her, “Do you know how old you are today?”
“No, how old am I?”
“You’re 100 years old.”
“Well, no wonder I’m so tired.” —Source: healthdegrees.com
If you’ve ever had to get a colonoscopy, you’ll relate to this woman’s hilarious story!
Scene: I answer a patient’s phone call …
Me: Dermatology, how may I help you?
Patient: Hi, I just had an autopsy. I’d like to know my results. —Source: notalwaysright.com
Call it car-ma
A car belonging to a pregnant patient was broken into. The only thing that was stolen was a wine bottle in a brown paper bag. It turns out, that’s where she was keeping her urine sample, which she’d brought in to be tested. —Janet Grow, Overland Park, Kansas
Test him, too
The doctor explained to his patient that she suffered from cervicitis, or inflammation of the cervix. Concerned, she demanded that he test her husband for it too.
The doctor assured her, “I’m positive your husband does not have cervicitis.”
She shot back, “How do you know? You haven’t examined him yet.” —Roianne Lope, Pine Hill, New Jersey
Trials and fibrillations
Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Doctor: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time?
Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Lawyer: Now, Doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning? —Source: rinkworks.com
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From the other side of the stethoscope: funny patient stories
I was coming to just as my doctor was finishing my colonoscopy. Feeling some pressure “back there,” I reached down and patted the doctor on the head.
“It’s OK, Yehudi,” I said. “Just go back to sleep.”
Yehudi is the name of my dog. —Sherry Moore, Eau Claire, Wisconsin
When I went to the ER to have a painful ingrown toenail removed, I was a complete basket case—sobbing, gagging, petrified … the works. But my doctor knew how to calm me down.
“Don’t worry about a thing,” he assured me. “I just looked up how to perform this operation on YouTube.” —Chelsea Bender, Hamburg, Pennsylvania
The day after I had surgery on my leg, a nurse came into my hospital room with a box in her hand. “Are you ready for this?”
“What is it?” I asked.
“Fleet enema. Didn’t your doctor tell you about it?”
She rechecked the orders. “Whoa!” she bellowed. “That didn’t say Fleet enema. It said feet elevated!” —Julia Fussell, Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Actual stories ripped from the headlines:
“Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison” —Source: kizaz.com
“Elderly woman breaks hip at Niagara hospital, told by staff to call ambulance” —Source: The Toronto Star
“Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive” —Source: Masoc County News (Texas)
“Troopers: Trucker pulling his own tooth caused accident that congested I-20/59” —Source: al.com
Here are more hilarious headlines that could only have happened in Canada.
The clue is in the name
Patient: I’m worried about this birthmark.
Doctor: Birthmark, you say? How long have you had it? —Source: overheardintheoffice.com
It’s a small town thing
I asked a young mother in our neonatal unit why she thought we had so many expectant mothers from her small town. She said, “Well, we don’t have cable.” Source: Scrubs magazine
My husband’s new “unbreakable” titanium eyeglasses broke. When he brought the many pieces back to the optometrist to have the glasses replaced, the assistant asked what had happened.
“They fell under the lawn mower,” he explained.
“Oh,” she said, nodding. “Were you wearing them at the time?” —Susan Strong, South Glastonbury, Connecticut
Test your medical vocabulary
Patients reported that they suffered from these health conditions. Can you decipher what they meant and come up with the correct malady?
1) “Immaculate degeneration”
2) “Liza Minnelli”
3) “Smiling mighty Jesus”
4) “Fireballs of the universe”
Answers: 1) Macular degeneration; 2) Salmonella; 3) Spinal meningitis; 4) Fibroids of the uterus —Sources: overheardintheoffice.com; notalwaysright.com; reader Evelyn Rosemore, Plano, Texas; Scrubs magazine
If you enjoyed these doctor jokes, be sure to check out this roundup of the best Canadian jokes of all time.