Parents Reveal the Funniest Things Their Kids Have Said
Every mom and dad will relate to these ridiculous comments, questions and complaints.
Illustration: Mike Shiell
The Funny Things Kids Say
McDonald’s forgot the chicken nuggets in my daughter’s Happy Meal. She said, “I guess this is a sad meal now.” – @katiedeal99
My four-year-old just gave me the last apple slice, then announced loudly, “If you eat the last one you put the bowl in the sink.” – @xennial_mom
You don’t know passive-aggressive until you’ve listened to a parent answering questions from a child who won’t go to sleep. – @thearibradford
I asked my seven-year-old to fold the blanket he had gotten out. He spread it out on the floor, rolled himself up in it, and then cried for six minutes because “it’s impossible.” – @dadmann_walking
My seven-year-old wrote a letter to the tooth fairy yesterday. He hasn’t lost a tooth yet, nor does he have any loose teeth. He just wanted to introduce himself. – Rob Delaney, comedian
Ninety percent of being a parent to young children is wondering if there’s a leak in the house or did the kids just wash their hands. – @homewithpeanut
Our youngest made her own grilled-cheese sandwich. Long story short: did you know that bread is flammable? – @rodlacroix
“This is the best meal ever,” my six-year-old said while shovelling half a cup of sour cream into her mouth with the corner of a tortilla chip. – @mom_tho
My toddler is practising counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth. This is the kind of math I can get on board with. – @oneawkwardmom
Whenever I’m watching cartoons with my five-year-old, she checks on me to make sure I’m paying attention. If I’m not, I get in trouble. This feels less like a fun activity and more like I’m being held hostage by a mean lady. – @bunandleggings
My daughter just made me sing a song for her. I complied and then she said, “Do it again but without all those ‘bumps’ in your voice.” Apparently, she didn’t like my vibrato. – Audra McDonald, Broadway actor and singer
I made my bed and found a half-eaten package of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in my bed, she said, “I did not put butter in it.” – @llcoooltweet
My seven-year-old came home from school requesting snack after snack. I asked him where he was putting all this food and he replied, “It’s beyond your understanding.” – @thatmummylife
I was playing cards with a friend’s four-year-old. The rules were that we’d take turns putting cards on the pile until she declared she won. – @jenfulwiler
Nothing like seeing your teenager improperly dressed for the weather so you shout out, “It’s going to rain hard today,” expecting they’ll appreciate your loving concern and immediately run back inside to grab a jacket. But instead, they give you a perplexing thumbs up. – @jacanamommy
My youngest is named Rose, and she spent all of early June walking around the neighbourhood looking at everything in bloom and whispering, “It’s my season.” May we all channel this energy! – @lindseythughes
My five-year-old told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does at school.
When I asked her what she meant by work,” she answered, “They’re always making us write our names.” – @snarkymommy78
“I was playing birdsongs to help him relax. ” (My kid, after putting headphones on our cat.) – @rachelxsussman
My eight-year-old sister gave our grandmother a wish list. It included gymnastics clothes, a slime box, a robot to help her colour, pyjamas, bath bombs and $15,000. – reddit.com
Watching football with my 11-year-old daughter is fun. When I get frustrated with my team, she’ll ask calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?” – @dad_at_law
I wish I had the same confidence as my five-year-old jumping on the trampoline, telling me to look out for him in case his head hits an airplane. – @traciebreaux
After repeatedly stressing the importance of oral hygiene to my kid I found a note that read, “Mom, I left my spit in the sink as proof that I brushed my teeth.” – Pamela Goodchild, Poine-Claire, Quebec
My three-year-old is going through his no-sleeping phase. One night I finally got him to return to his room. He walked in angry and said, “Sleeping is not that fun. And I just want to have fun.” – Andy Tsang, Toronto
When my niece was seven, I accompanied her on a school field trip. All day long, her classmates ran away from me. I asked her what the issue was—it turned out she’d told them I was a real-life vampire. – @gaialect
My two-year-old’s granola bar wrapper was pulled down slightly too low. I’m not sure he’ll ever be able to recover from it. – Bess Kalb, writer
My six year-old daughter and I were listening to “Castles Made of Sand” by Jimi Hendrix while driving.
“What’s he singing about, Daddy?” she asked.
“He’s saying that nothing in life is permanent,” I answered.
She replied, “But markers are permanent!” – David Peabody, Calgary
My toddler and I saw some fishermen down at the pier today. “Look, they’re helping the fish out of the water,” he said. “That’s so nice!” – @average_dad1
Todder: Daddy, I have a question: what is on your head?
Me: I don’t know. You tell me.
Toddler: Nothing… because you have no hair! – Jamelle Bouie, journalist
My wife got our four-year-old a bowl of cereal. He then complained he didn’t want milk in the cereal and proceeded to pour out the milk and rinse off the cereal flakes with water. – @kevinthedad
Next, check out these silly struggles every parent will relate to.