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200 Best Reader’s Digest Jokes of All Time

Our editors say these classic Reader's Digest jokes make them laugh every single time. See if you agree.

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This was voted one of the best jokes of all time in a 2002 online poll:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

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Best Readers Digest Jokes Ever - Funny TurtlePhoto: Shutterstock

Time is relative

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

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This was voted one of the best jokes of all time in a 2010 Reader’s Digest jokes contest:

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes - KnittingPhoto: Shutterstock

Witty little knitter

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!”

“No!” the woman yelled back, “Cardigan!” –

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes - Man Shrugging ShouldersPhoto: Shutterstock


I quit my job working for Nike. I just couldn’t do it anymore. –

These funny work cartoons were made for sharing at the office.

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Funny Readers Digest Jokes - Fortune CookiesPhoto: Shutterstock

(Mis)fortune cookie

Sad after the funeral of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up. The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: “You will soon be reunited with a good friend.” – Stanley Heerboth

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Best Readers Digest Jokes - Woman ShoppingPhoto: Shutterstock

Stocking up

“My wife does this cute thing now and then where she goes out shopping for next year’s yard sale items.” @cravin4

These hilarious jokes about marriage will crack you up.

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes - Apple For TeacherPhoto: Shutterstock

Teacher’s pest

Math teacher: If I have three bottles in one hand and two in the other hand, what do I have?
Student: A drinking problem. –

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Best Readers Digest Jokes - Man In Glasses LaughingPhoto: Shutterstock

Everything must go

“Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.” @johnlyontweets

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes - Little Girl Hide And SeekPhoto: Shutterstock

Hidden talent

I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find. –

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Best Readers Digest Jokes - Vinyl RecordsPhoto: Shutterstock

Broken record

“If I worked in a used record store, I would tell every customer that ‘all sales are vinyl.'” – @woodyluvscoffee

You won’t believe these hilarious job ads actually ran!

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Best Readers Digest Jokes Ever - Woman Sticking Out TonguePhoto: Shutterstock

In bad taste

A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”

I said, “People who sell veggies are grocer.” – Adele Cliff, comedian

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Best Readers Digest Jokes - Man Smiling On PhonePhoto: Shutterstock

Welcome to La La Land

A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone.

“Hey, how are you doing?” he asks.

“Well!” responds the friend. “I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says it’s going to be a hit. I’m doing great! How are you?”

“OK,” says the first producer. “I’ll call you back when you’re alone.” – Jim Pietsch in The New York City Cab Driver’s Joke Book

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Best Readers Digest Jokes - Cheap ManPhoto: Shutterstock

Bang for your buck

“If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die.” @hodgesboi15

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Best Readers Digest Jokes Ever - Loud Child Playing TrumpetPhoto: Shutterstock

With age comes wisdom

“Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them.” – Rita Rudner

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes - Woman ShruggingPhoto: Shutterstock

Generation gap

A mom texts, “Hi! Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean?” He texts back, “I don’t know, love you and talk to you later.” The mom replies, “It’s OK, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister. Love you too.” –

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Unsolved mysteries

“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?” – George Carlin

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Best Readers Digest Jokes - Woman In SunglassesPhoto: Shutterstock

Anti-theft device

“My sunglasses are prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two people who can’t see.” @kimtopher22

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Best Readers Digest Jokes - Mailbox With MailPhoto: Shutterstock

Courier problems

What happens when you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN? They get really upset. @dadsaysjokes

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Best Readers Digest Jokes - Singing NunPhoto: Shutterstock

Complete and utter nunsense

“If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing ‘How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria’ at my wedding, I would be like, ‘Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it?'” @brotigupta

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes - Hippie Camper VanPhoto: Shutterstock

Long time coming

“Under quarantine, marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law. It took half a century, but hippies finally won.” – Ruth Buzzi, actor

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes - Feet In WaterPhoto: Shutterstock

Survival tip

“Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if you’re wet.” – Sean Lock, comedian

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes - HandcuffsPhoto: Shutterstock

That’s a bit dated

“Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each.” – Alex Del Bene

Don’t miss these wild tales of the world’s dumbest criminals.

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Talking dog for sale

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

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Funniest Reader's Digest jokes - phone callPhoto: Shutterstock

That’ll come back to haunt you

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.” – Jeannie Gibbs

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes - Binge Watching TvPhoto: Shutterstock

You don’t know me

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I liked a show just because I watched 13 hours of it. – Tig Notaro, comedian

Check out the funniest comedies on Netflix Canada right now.

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Our 50 Most Popular Jokes EverDmitry Zimin/Shutterstock

Tempting fate

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

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Best Readers Digest Jokes - Grocery ShoppingPhoto: Shutterstock

You were warned

“Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now I’m the proud owner of aisle seven.” – @domesticgoddss

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes - Jeopardy game showPhoto: Shutterstock

Trivial pursuits

“My favourite part of watching Jeopardy! is saying “I should be on Jeopardy!” every time I answer a $200 clue that happens to be about one of my three interests.” – Laura Peek, comedian

Don’t miss this roundup of Alex Trebek’s most memorable Jeopardy! moments.

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Living comfortably

A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”

The man says, “I make a good living.”

Don’t miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love.

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Panicking poodle

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

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Best Readers Digest Jokes - Woman JudgingPhoto: Shutterstock

Know your customer

“Two salespeople approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me “miss.” The “Hello, ma’am” one should take note.” – @anniemumary

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes - Checking Time On WatchPhoto: Shutterstock

Catching the late bus

I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. I normally have to run to catch the 11:30 bus. Last New Year’s Eve, I finished work and raced to catch the bus, but by 12:10 it still hadn’t come, so I figured I’d likely missed it.

I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, “Sir, how long have you been waiting?”

He looked at his watch and said, “Since last year.” – Misir Doobay, Toronto

Check out 30 New Year’s jokes that will have you laughing out loud.

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Facing the consequences

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

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Close-up of a broken arm in a cast on grey backgroundPRESSLAB/Shutterstock

Permanent insult

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

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Stereotypes in real life

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes - Old Men SecretPhoto: Shutterstock

Can you keep a secret?

“I’m always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party.” – Jennifer Wright, author

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Best Reader's Digest jokes - vacuumingPhoto: Shutterstock

Clean sweep

“I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.” – @dadsaysjokes

Check out more bad dad jokes from Twitter that will have you chuckling.

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Where’s the bathroom again?

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

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Hands of unrecognisable man eating a soup at restaurant.LStockStudio/Shutterstock

Soup or sex?

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

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Revolving door

“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.” – Steven Wright

Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember.

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes - Mosquito SpellingPhoto: Shutterstock

Down to size

During the pandemic, my two granddaughters—six and eight years old—were being home-schooled by their mom. One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. “Spell ‘elephant,'” the older one said.

“Let her spell small animals, not big ones,” said her mom.

The older sister paused, then said, “Spell ‘mosquito.'” – Misir Doobay, Toronto

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Best Reader's Digest jokes of all time - gossipPhoto: Shutterstock

Is there rehab for gossiping?

I don’t need it, but I’ll tell you who does… — Jen Statsky, writer

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A great fitting suit

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.”

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”

“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”

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Holy spelling mistake!

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”

“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”

The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”

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Pretty light brown chihuahua dog looking straight up at the cameraTCGraphicDesign/Shutterstock

Seeing-eye dogs

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”

The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”

First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”

He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”

He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”

The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Don’t miss these hilarious dog cartoons.

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Who’s side are you on?

“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!” – Rodney Dangerfield

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Best Readers Digest Jokes - Mens Suit Jackets BlazersPhoto: Shutterstock

That’s why they’re called “luxury goods”

I was browsing in the men’s department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. Although the tag said it was on sale, it still cost more than I cared to spend. Tempting fate, I tried it on. Just then, a saleswoman appeared.

“It fits you perfectly,” she said.

“Yes,” I said, “but I really don’t need it.”

Without missing a beat, she replied, “We don’t sell things that people need.” – Joe Caputo

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Best Reader's Digest jokes - funny photographerPhoto: Shutterstock

Say cheese

Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldn’t get a word in.

Finally, after we’d seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in.

“None,” I replied. “This isn’t my child.” –

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Messy drinker

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes!

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Smiling emotional student girl laughing at joke, posing aganist gray background. Dark-haired brunette young female expressing positive emotions, happily looks at camera.Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

Bigger in Texas

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

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Selfie of man feet in white sneaker shoes on escalator steps in the shopping mall, top view in vintage stylenutcd32/Shutterstock

Moving stairs

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.” – Mitch Hedberg

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Waist-up shot of trendy carefree african american girl with curly hair in brown t-shirt laughing while talking with friends drinking coffee from paper cup and holding smartphone over gray backgroundCookie Studio/Shutterstock

Let the job hunt begin

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” –Phyllis Diller

Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party!

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Glass of beer on a concrete tableKariDesign/Shutterstock

Ocean full of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.

The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin!

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Portrait of attractive playful european girlfriend with sincere smile, standing with closed eyes over gray background. Girl feels excited while wishing something and going to blow candles on cakeCookie Studio/Shutterstock

Brown bears vs. grizzly bears

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”

“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.

“It’s easy,” replies the ranger. “They’re full of small bells.”

Don’t miss these perfectly-timed photos of funny farm animals.

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Parking spotCharmnanvudh Vancharoen/Shutterstock

God in a parking lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”

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Guy reading joke from internet laughing out loud spending time amused and entertained smiling broadly at camera touching beard and squinting from joy holding smartphone playing in great game on phoneCookie Studio/Shutterstock

A long life

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.” – Woody Allen

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blacksmith hammer on the anvil against the background of fireErmolaev Alexander/Shutterstock

Hit it on the head

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day!

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Funniest Readers Digest Jokes Ever - Little Girl Geometry LessonPhoto: Shutterstock

Out of shape

Why did I have to learn what a rhombus is? Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. – Marie Faustin, comedian

Don’t miss this collection of the best knock knock jokes for kids.

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A pessimist and an optimist

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?”

“Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”

Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands.

“What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked.

The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”

(This was reportedly President Ronald Reagan’s favourite joke!)

Check out these funny political quotes you can’t help but laugh at.

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Vintage alarm clockcreativemarc/Shutterstock

Tick tock…

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
Patient: “What do you mean, 10? Ten what? Months? Weeks?!”
Doctor: “Nine.”

These wise—and often hilarious—quotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life!

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Girl just wanna have fun. Studio shot of charming playful woman leading active and happy lifestyle, bending towards camera while laughing over funny joke, standing in trendy outfit and glassesCookie Studio/Shutterstock

A Russian goes to Ukraine

As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”

“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”

These clever jokes could make anyone sound smart!

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Red car taillights look modern with black and white background images.phol_66/Shutterstock

Car check

Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working.

He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

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People, leisure and lifestyle concept. Good-looking young Afro-American woman with long wavy hair wearing stylish clothing smiling broadly, laughing happily at someone`s joke, having fun indoors.Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

Secret agent Murphy

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

“Hello,” said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”

“Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer. “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. In fact, my name is Murphy.”

“Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.”

“Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. He’s in the village over the other direction.”

Pressed for time? Check out our best short jokes!

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Messy bed. White pillow with blanket on bed unmade. Concept of relaxing after morning. With lighting window. Top view. Black and white theme.Seeme/Shutterstock

A family affair

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“What are you doing!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

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Portrait of sincere young happy cheerful girl smiling laughing over white background.Cookie Studio/Shutterstock

Different meanings

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.” — Demetri Martin

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large hawk moth Hyles livornica on a white curtainSarit Richerson/Shutterstock

Follow the light

A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”

The dentist replies, “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…”

The guys replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”

The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?”

And the guy says, “Your light was on.”

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Cast away

A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. “What are they used for?” the captain asks.

“Well, the hut one on the left is where I live,” says the man. “and the one on the right is where I go to church.”

“So what about that hut in the middle?”

The man sneers, “That’s the church I used to attend!”

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Chicken’s for dinner

“Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing.”

“There’s a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the man’s wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”

No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”

“For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!”

Need the laughs to come fast? Don’t miss this roundup of the funniest one-liners on the Internet.

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Drunk Superman

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

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Always complaining

Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”

It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

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Misfortunate pirate

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”

Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Morty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

It doesn’t have to be Pi Day (March 14) to bring out these funny math jokes!

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Rude pancakes

A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. The first little boy says, “I’ll have some @#$%^& pancakes.”

The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. She glares at the other little boy and asks, “What do you want for breakfast?!”

The second boy says, “Well, I sure don’t want the @#$%^& pancakes!”

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What a confession

An old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. “Maybe 22,” he says. “A gorgeous blonde. I started lusting, Father.”

“Yes,” says the priest, “Lust is a dangerous sin.”

“There’s more,” says the man. “We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours.”

The priest pauses. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”

“I’ve never come. This is my first.”

“How is this your first confession?”

“I’m Jewish.”

“Then… why are you telling me all this?”

“Telling you? I’m telling everyone!”

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An interesting game

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”Matt Kirshen

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Barrel of beer

A man comes to Mrs. Smith’s door and says, “There’s been an accident at the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned.”

Mrs. Smith wails, “Oh, the poor man! He never had a chance!”

The man says, “I don’t know about that. He got out three times to go to the bathroom.”

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Never give up

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” — Henry Youngman

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Fishing rink

A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”

He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”

“No, this is the rink manager!”

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God’s miracle

A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: “Have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

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Army vs. Navy

“When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.” — Dick Gregory

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The lie detector

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“
Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.”
Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”
Mother laughs: “Ha! He really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”

Don’t miss these clever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.

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What’s the oddest thing that happens with a hypochondriac support group?

Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting. Submitted by Wendy Davis

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Happy birthday to… Him

My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party. That’s when I realized he was her favourite twin. Submitted by Terry Sangster

Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes.

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Dragon lady

A hobo knocks on the door of the St. George and the Dragon Inn. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the hobo.
“No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face.
A few minutes later, the hobo knocks again. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks.
“Could I have a few words with George?” Submitted by David Miteff

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Return on investment

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies the lawyer. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.
“Impressive,” says the banker. “And what sort of case was that?”
“My father sued me for the money.” Submitted by Dee Hudson

Here are the funniest court cases of all time!

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My dog is smarter than your dog

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”
“I know,” says the second dog owner.
“How do you know?”
“My dog told me.” Submitted by Sourabh Bhatia

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Best Reader's Digest jokes of all time - funny priestPhoto: Shutterstock

Take that look off your face

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
“Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”
“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
“No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.” Submitted by Edward F. Castellanos

You won’t be able to un-see these funny stock photos. (Consider yourself warned!)

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Say cheese

I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon

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Q: When do cows go to sleep?

A: When it’s pasture bedtime. Submitted by Hoss Alfred

These breads puns will come in handy the next time you feel like loafing around.

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One, two, three…

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.
“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re it!”
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.” Submitted by William Halliday

These cheesy pick-up lines are are sure to get you a laugh (if not love).

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Think about it…

“What does the word ‘contemplate’ mean?” the college student asked his English professor.
“Think about it,” the professor answered.
“Ugh!” the student groaned. “Can’t you just tell me?” Submitted by Dana Thayer

These hilarious school stories are guaranteed to give you a laugh.

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Condemned man

A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, “Not guilty.”
The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?” Submitted by Lawrence Adelson

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Enough is enough

Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor.
“One thing about Fred,” his buddy says to the bartender. “He knows when to stop.” Submitted by Ken Zavislik

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Tight budget

The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. “Listen,” the crook says, “you don’t want any trouble, and neither do I. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened?”
The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip.
“You know,” says the crook, “this is more than I wanted to spend. Got anything less expensive?” Submitted by Rosemary Covert

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Between us snakes

Snake 1: Are we poisonous?
Snake 2: I don’t know. Why?
Snake 1: I just bit my lip. Submitted by Faith Lackey

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Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

A: Breathe! Breathe! Submitted by Paul Lewis

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Best Reader's Digest jokes of all time - funny goldfishPhoto: Shutterstock

Something’s fishy

“I think my goldfish has seizures,” a man tells the veterinarian.
“He seems fine now,” says the vet.
“Now, sure. But wait till I take him out of the bowl.” Submitted by Nancy Send

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Help (desperately) wanted

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.
“Here, boy,” he replies. Submitted by Denise Stewart

Check out the most Canadian headlines of all time.

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Survival of the fittest

Q: You’re riding a horse at full speed. You’re being chased by a lion and there’s a giraffe in the way in front of you. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation?
A: Get off the carousel. Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson 

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Role model

Sadly, female airline pilots are still relatively rare. As a result, while in uniform, I’m often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. One day, I was brushing my teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in. “My sister would be so proud of you!” she declared.

I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.

The woman responded, “She’s a dentist.” –

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Best Reader's Digest jokes of all time - old man rocking chairPhoto: Shutterstock

Anti-aging formula

A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”
“Thirty-six.” Submitted by Melissa Steginus 

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Makes you think

The other day I was thinking, “I must be the most unobservant person in the world.” Then I thought, “Well, maybe other people are equally unobservant and I just haven’t noticed before.” Submitted by D. Norris

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Best jokes of all time - vintage TV set in old living roomPhoto: Shutterstock

The original reality TV show

I love that TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong. What’s it called? Oh yes—the news. Submitted by Max Cooper

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Twitter app on smartphonePhoto: Bloomicon/Shutterstock

A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…” Submitted by Christine Schrum

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Ultimate doom

After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. “He fought with me again! I’m coming over to live with you.”
To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. He must pay for his mistake. I’m coming to live with you.” Submitted by Joan Vercueil

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A bug’s life

A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. “Have you popped into that new coffee shop across the street yet?” asks one. “The floors are so shiny you can see your antennae in them. The walls are so clean you can’t run up them. The air is so fresh it smells like flowers.”
“Stop!” cries the second cockroach. “Please, not while I’m eating.” Submitted by Shirleen Slabber 

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The limitations of spell check

I got an A on my very first university English paper. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. After several readings, I couldn’t find my mistake. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. Submitted by Lucinda Rajaselvan

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